Divorce and Kids (Comments-part 1)

Dear Readers,

Tonight, I am going to share with you the comments of one of my readers. I would like to thank her or him for sending me her or his thoughts, and for her or his good wishes. She or he wrote the following:


"Hello,I am not going through a divorce, I am married and have one child we struggle, work and build upon our relationship every day and while I would like to say it's great it's not always great. Relationships take work. I am from a divorced family. I would say based on some of what I read I came from a friendly divorce. However for children there is nothing friendly about it. I cannot imagine how awful it would have been if it was a bitter divorce but I can say that though my parents both left this marriage bitter about it they did their best to keep it away from us kids.However even the best intentions do not go they way we wish. I had counselling at a young age and many things came out from this that parents had no idea they were doing. I hope to share a bit of my experience to you to use as you see fit.First, talking about the other spouse is not a good idea. Yes it seem obvious that talking bad about your spouse is not good that is rather clear. However everything you say your children may take in a way you had no intention of doing. My parents rarely spoke ill of each other in fact keep the "anger" away from us. But they didn't keep the body language away. Or the sigh where's the support check, or the I don't have much money comments, or rolling eyes. Example: My mother was never pushy with my father about support, keep the same amount the entire time never raked him for all his money and never prevented him from seeing us. She did complain within ear shot when he was late. She did show through body language her frustrations. My father never spoke ill of my mother but he talked about money problems around us (not to us) sighed about bills, we in turn felt guilty about holidays. He always expressed how much he missed us, too much in fact, he always asked if we wanted to stay longer and we felt guilty because we didn't. When we got a little older he said if we wanted to we could live with him. We felt VERY guilty we didn't. Believe it or not your children may want to live in one home. They may want to stay where their friends are and if one spouse is upset about not spending time with them they feel guilty about not really wanting too. I told my mother what dad said about living with him. She took the guilt away from me by telling me it was NOT my choice but hers that I live with her. That I had no choice.Giving your children a stable home is more important than you'll ever know. It meant my father didn't get what he wanted as an adult I know this and understand it, as a child I did not understand it. I cannot pretend to know your children but I can say you may not know what they really want because saying what they want could mean hurting you or your spouse.Biggest tip I can give to divorced parents for their children. Counselling period. A third party NOT involved who does not have past hurts and an agenda will do your children more good than you can know.Another tip I can give parents is this. You can only control what you do nothing else. You cannot control the money, you cannot control the spouses home, friends, family you can only control what you do. So do NOT think about the money, do not think about who spends more time with the kids. Only think about the time you have with your kids period. If your spouse blows the support on clothes then fine you cannot control it nor do we want a government or laws coming into our homes telling us what we can or cannot spend money on. It's an impossible request to have how the support money is spent controlled. For everyone who abuses it you'll have just as many who would abuse someone by harassing them with how they spend the money. Just know as a parent that children have a right to be financially supported by both parents. If you pay support you have doing your part. You cannot control the other parent so don't worry about it.Once you take the anger out, they he/she should be doing this or that then you will not have to worry about the body language, hushed conversations, tone your children may pick up.I would suggest for a bitter divorce and the anger to get counselling a war is never fought alone it takes two you may have the best intentions, she may be the witch of the north but if there is war then you are talking part if she is warring by herself it will become very clear rather quick. I'm not saying you cannot fight for custody, or fair support but keep your anger out of it (which is why counselling is a very good idea), just do what you can. Life is not fair and the ones who are really cheated are your children consider when you are upset what they go through then maybe what he or she is doing won't seem so important.And remember your children love you, even if they are using one parent against another (which they do if married or not) is purely normal. Just setup your house with your rules and values it will affect your children in the long run. If you have a child using you and your spouse then take the power of that away by respecting what goes on in your spouses home. You can say "well what your mother does at home is fine that is her home, but here I say no". Here is a thought to consider this is the children's viewpoint. You picked your spouse, you choose to have kids and more kids even knowing many of things that you did not like about her. This is your error, your mistake.Your children did not choose you or their mother. They were put in this family without choice, they are going through this divorce without a choice, they live where they are without a choice.Life is not fair but you can teach them how to behave, have morals and values while facing an extreme situation. You can show them how to get along with someone you do not like. You can turn this divorce into the greatest lesson you can teach them how to act, behave, and conduct themselves by your example. You can also show them how to heal yourself and move on. How to be compassionate, and understanding. How to be the bigger person even if you are right.Anyway this is only a viewpoint from an experienced adult who went through divorce even with the best of parents. Please take this all as a suggestion you probably are doing most of it maybe all of it and if so then I am expressing my support. Maybe you'll find a good suggestion maybe not. I do not say it negatively though some of it might be but I say it in a way I hope will help you and others.

Best to you and your children."