Divorce and Kids Part (3)

Good evening everyone,

I just wanted to comment on some of the comments left by one of the readers.

He or she mentioned that: "My father never spoke ill of my mother but he talked about money problems around us (not to us) sighed about bills, we in turn felt guilty about holidays. He always expressed how much he missed us, too much in fact, he always asked if we wanted to stay longer and we felt guilty because we didn't. When we got a little older he said if we wanted to we could live with him. We felt VERY guilty we didn't. Believe it or not your children may want to live in one home. They may want to stay where their friends are and if one spouse is upset about not spending time with them they feel guilty about not really wanting too. I told my mother what dad said about living with him. She took the guilt away from me by telling me it was NOT my choice but hers that I live with her. That I had no choice.Giving your children a stable home is more important than you'll ever know. It meant my father didn't get what he wanted as an adult I know this and understand it, as a child I did not understand it."

I have some questions for the reader. I would appreciate it if you could share your experience with us. As I can see, your mother "took the guilt away" by telling you that it was her decision. My question is, if this is true, how fair was that to your Dad to make a one-sided decision without asking him how he felt?

You said that stability was very important for you as a child, which I agree with, but would it have been as good, had you lived with your Dad on a permanent basis and visited with your Mom. In other words, if things had been reversed, would it have been OK?

One more question: did your Dad agree to let your Mom have custody of you and your siblings, or did they go to court to achieve that? I am not siding with your Mom or your Dad here, rather, I am siding with fairness!

Thank you for willing to share your answers with us.

Have a good night everyone!

Dr. Dreamer

Divorce and Kids (Comments-part 1)

Dear Readers,

Tonight, I am going to share with you the comments of one of my readers. I would like to thank her or him for sending me her or his thoughts, and for her or his good wishes. She or he wrote the following:


"Hello,I am not going through a divorce, I am married and have one child we struggle, work and build upon our relationship every day and while I would like to say it's great it's not always great. Relationships take work. I am from a divorced family. I would say based on some of what I read I came from a friendly divorce. However for children there is nothing friendly about it. I cannot imagine how awful it would have been if it was a bitter divorce but I can say that though my parents both left this marriage bitter about it they did their best to keep it away from us kids.However even the best intentions do not go they way we wish. I had counselling at a young age and many things came out from this that parents had no idea they were doing. I hope to share a bit of my experience to you to use as you see fit.First, talking about the other spouse is not a good idea. Yes it seem obvious that talking bad about your spouse is not good that is rather clear. However everything you say your children may take in a way you had no intention of doing. My parents rarely spoke ill of each other in fact keep the "anger" away from us. But they didn't keep the body language away. Or the sigh where's the support check, or the I don't have much money comments, or rolling eyes. Example: My mother was never pushy with my father about support, keep the same amount the entire time never raked him for all his money and never prevented him from seeing us. She did complain within ear shot when he was late. She did show through body language her frustrations. My father never spoke ill of my mother but he talked about money problems around us (not to us) sighed about bills, we in turn felt guilty about holidays. He always expressed how much he missed us, too much in fact, he always asked if we wanted to stay longer and we felt guilty because we didn't. When we got a little older he said if we wanted to we could live with him. We felt VERY guilty we didn't. Believe it or not your children may want to live in one home. They may want to stay where their friends are and if one spouse is upset about not spending time with them they feel guilty about not really wanting too. I told my mother what dad said about living with him. She took the guilt away from me by telling me it was NOT my choice but hers that I live with her. That I had no choice.Giving your children a stable home is more important than you'll ever know. It meant my father didn't get what he wanted as an adult I know this and understand it, as a child I did not understand it. I cannot pretend to know your children but I can say you may not know what they really want because saying what they want could mean hurting you or your spouse.Biggest tip I can give to divorced parents for their children. Counselling period. A third party NOT involved who does not have past hurts and an agenda will do your children more good than you can know.Another tip I can give parents is this. You can only control what you do nothing else. You cannot control the money, you cannot control the spouses home, friends, family you can only control what you do. So do NOT think about the money, do not think about who spends more time with the kids. Only think about the time you have with your kids period. If your spouse blows the support on clothes then fine you cannot control it nor do we want a government or laws coming into our homes telling us what we can or cannot spend money on. It's an impossible request to have how the support money is spent controlled. For everyone who abuses it you'll have just as many who would abuse someone by harassing them with how they spend the money. Just know as a parent that children have a right to be financially supported by both parents. If you pay support you have doing your part. You cannot control the other parent so don't worry about it.Once you take the anger out, they he/she should be doing this or that then you will not have to worry about the body language, hushed conversations, tone your children may pick up.I would suggest for a bitter divorce and the anger to get counselling a war is never fought alone it takes two you may have the best intentions, she may be the witch of the north but if there is war then you are talking part if she is warring by herself it will become very clear rather quick. I'm not saying you cannot fight for custody, or fair support but keep your anger out of it (which is why counselling is a very good idea), just do what you can. Life is not fair and the ones who are really cheated are your children consider when you are upset what they go through then maybe what he or she is doing won't seem so important.And remember your children love you, even if they are using one parent against another (which they do if married or not) is purely normal. Just setup your house with your rules and values it will affect your children in the long run. If you have a child using you and your spouse then take the power of that away by respecting what goes on in your spouses home. You can say "well what your mother does at home is fine that is her home, but here I say no". Here is a thought to consider this is the children's viewpoint. You picked your spouse, you choose to have kids and more kids even knowing many of things that you did not like about her. This is your error, your mistake.Your children did not choose you or their mother. They were put in this family without choice, they are going through this divorce without a choice, they live where they are without a choice.Life is not fair but you can teach them how to behave, have morals and values while facing an extreme situation. You can show them how to get along with someone you do not like. You can turn this divorce into the greatest lesson you can teach them how to act, behave, and conduct themselves by your example. You can also show them how to heal yourself and move on. How to be compassionate, and understanding. How to be the bigger person even if you are right.Anyway this is only a viewpoint from an experienced adult who went through divorce even with the best of parents. Please take this all as a suggestion you probably are doing most of it maybe all of it and if so then I am expressing my support. Maybe you'll find a good suggestion maybe not. I do not say it negatively though some of it might be but I say it in a way I hope will help you and others.

Best to you and your children."

Parenting Guidance/Advice

Good evening!

Tonight, I am going to talk a little bit about kids and parenting or parental guidance.

The key idea here is for divorced parents to raise their children to the best of their abilities without trying to interfere with the other parent's rearing skills. Sure, you may disagree with the other parent in terms of raising your children, which might be one of or the main reason for your divorce, however, you should not focus all of your attention on what's happening in the other house. Rather, you should focus on what you can do and what you can impart to your kids be it etiquette, good table manners, or knowledge, etc...

Clearly, I am talking to both mom and dad here! If you do your part of the job, then the kids will turn out fine.

Good luck everyone!

Dr. Dreamer

Is the Law Fair? Part (4)

Dear Loyal Readers,

A little more on that subject.....

When the Law metes out justice, and hence, Child Support, it does not check how the money is spent and on whom! In other words, the parent, who is awarded Child Support, may use or misuse the money in any way that she or he pleases. Now, how fair is that?

The idea behind Child Support is to ensure that the children are well taken care of, and that there is a financial balance for the kids between Dad's house and Mom's house. However, the Law does not make the effort to look into how the money is spent. This is deplorable, for any party might just misuse the money and spend a big part of it on himself or herself!

Again, these Laws ought to be revisited. It is very sad to think that some people take advantage of the system to get as much money as they can without having to work! How fair is it to the other party who has to work, pay Child Support, and yet pay for his or her kids' needs while under their own care?!

I hope that none of you out there is guilty of that!

Until next time, I bid you a good night!

Dr. Dreamer

Is Family Law Fair? Part (3)

Good evening!

Last time, I mentioned that I would expound on the subject.

Here is how Family Law operates, which, you will see, defies any logical thinking. It really makes you wonder who wrote these Family Laws?

In essence, here is what happens when there is a divorce that involves minor children. The Law gives the Children, and Child Support to one parent, and leaves the other parent with nothing!


Family Law has its preference, as to which parent should get custody of the minor children. This may not necessarily be, and in fact isn't most of the time, the wish of the parent who does not get custody of the children. Then, to add insult to injury, the law dictates that the parent who does not get custody of the children pay the other parent child support. Here is the fallacy in the reasoning: first, the law forces that parent not to have custody of his or her children, and second, it forces her or him to pay child support to the other parent for a decision with which she or he is not agreeing.

I would, however, concur with the Law if one of the parents willingly conceded custody to the other parent. However, most of the time, this is not the case. Some of the Laws ought to be revisited, and rewritten....... by a human being!

Until next time, good night!

Dr. Dreamer

Is Family Law Fair? Part (1)

Good evening everyone!

Tonight, I am going to talk about a very sensitive topic: The Law!

Is the Law or are the Laws fair to all parties involved in a divorce?
This is a very difficult question to answer because it depends on the perspective of the parties involved. In other words, moms may feel a certain way about certain laws, whereas dads may feel differently about same.

Let's take a look at Alimony for instance. Most likely, women, in general, feel that this is fair based on the fact that maybe their salary is lower than that of their ex husbands, etc...whereas men, in general, would feel that it is unfair, as the Law privileges women for no reason, and it takes the money that the men earn by working hard to give it to their ex wives.

Further, if we take a look at Child Custody, we'll see how complicated and complex this is. Every state has a list of factors according to which Child Custody is awarded. This list is technically called "Determining Factors". Please, consult the Determining Factors in your state for the compete list of factors. Some of the factors may vary from state to state, however, the majority of these factors will be endemic to most states.

Let's examine some of the Child Custody factors. One of the factors is "the love and affection" that a parent has for the children. While this is nice factor to use, it is very difficult to measure such emotions, as people display their emotions and/or love differently.

Moreover, there is the biggest Flaw in the Law: whoever spent more time with the kids prior to divorce becomes the "primary care giver" of the children, and, therefore, has a greater chance of being awarded sole custody of the minor children. While this may seem fair at first glance, a more profound look divulges the fact that this is not fair to the party who worked so hard to earn money for the household. This is true irrespective of whether the parent staying home is the dad or the mom. In other words, this is unfair irrespective of the gender of the parent.

In my case, personally, I did not wish to work full time while my ex stayed home with the children. In fact, I asked my ex spouse so many times to work at least part time so that I could spend more time with our kids. I also expressed the possibility that we could alternate working. Effectively, I could work for a year while she took care of the kids, and then, I could have stayed home with the kids, while she worked.

She just refused, and the result was that she took advantage of the situation. So, here we see that the Law has a Flaw! What are your choices as a parent/husband in this case? Do you acquiesce in order to avoid a divorce, or do you try to push your wife to work so that both of you would: (A) spend an equitable amount of time with your kids, and (B) be viewed as an equal "care giver" by the court, should there be a divorce?

This issue played a fundamental role in my divorce.....

I will be expounding on this crucial subject next time!

Until then, good night.


Dr. Dreamer

Kids (Children) and Divorce Part 2

Hi everybody,

More on kids and divorce.

If the divorce is of the bitter type (please see kids and divorce part 1), then the children feel torn all the time between their parents. If they agree with daddy, then they have betrayed mommy, and if they agree with mommy, then they have betrayed daddy!

This is the sad reality that parents may put their children through if the parents keep on talking negatively about each other to the kids. I hope that you are not divorced, but for those of you who are, I hope that you will pay attention to my thoughts on this subject, and that you will not put your children through such an ordeal!

Try to think of your kids first, and yourself second. Try not to think too much of what your ex says or does, as long as it does not have a great negative impact on the kids or you.

More on this deep subject next time...

Dr. Dreamer

Kids (Children) and Divorce Part 1

Hi everyone,

Here are some realities about what kids go through when their parents divorce. First, we all agree that if two people decide to divorce, it means that they are not getting along well with each other.

Now there are two types of divorces: a friendly divorce, where both parents do their best for their kids, and a bitter divorce, where one or both parents decide to declare war on the other even if she or he hurts the kids in the midst of all the retaliations.

Hopefully, most divorces are in the first category. However, the latter type exists, and I happen to be in the midst of the storm! I, personally, do not wish to be at war with my ex, on the contrary, I would have liked to be in the first category, where my ex and I would do the best for our kids.

The kids suffer from seeing the disagreements between their parents, as they love both of them, and do not wish to take sides. It is really unfortunate when one of the parents start telling the kids bad things about the other parent in order to gain leverage with the kids, in other words, in order to get credit with the kids.

If both parents play that game, the only losing party is the kids, as they learn how to play both parents to get what they want. Further, this affects the kids in that they do not respect either parent as result of the fact that each parent caters to the kids in order to get credit.

Ultimately, this game does not benefit either parent, and the kids become spoiled, and do not learn the values that the other kids are learning.


More in part 2...

From Dr. Dreamer to my precious readers, good night!

Dr. Dreamer